Ratio’s are Nice!

Perfect Ratio

Over the past few weeks, I’ve gotten to know the perfect ratios that will make anyone happy. Here are my observations:

For every minute of television watched, spend two minutes reviewing and discussing what just happened. If failed to do so, then you’ll have to do your homework earlier.

For every pizza pop bought, microwave it according to this following equation; 1 + ((x+42x)/31)) minute, let x = the temperature of the pizza pop (<0, less than zero)

For every assignment due, spend two to three hours simply planning your work pattern, and then take a break. Ensure that you take breaks after each break in order to relax your mind. Ensure you take a sufficient break after relaxing your mind – breaks make you tired.

I’m sure you’ve heard of the product rule in Calculus. This is used to differentiate two polynomials multiplied together. Below is Gautam’s Product Rule for Life. This is used to derive if you are getting ripped off.

Gautam’s Magic Equation 1 (Can be used for BUYING anything)

X = anything

A = everything

(32x + 16 / 4)^x + 3 = a

Gautam’s Magic Equation 2 (Can be used for BUYING anything)

X = anything

A = everything

X((16x + 8)/2) + x = a

To ensure that what you are buying is priced at a good price, use the above equations. A is usually the price, and X is usually the product. You can decide what the unit of the price is. Before buying your product, make sure that the price is above Magic Equation 1 and less than Magic Equation 2. If it’s in between these two values, then you are offered a good price, and you should buy the product. Try it.

My Bottle’d Up Advice: As I child, I don’t remember reading picture books; this may be the result of two causes – long term amnesia, or simply because I just didn’t like reading. But in any case, people say that reading helps with one’s writing skills; I completely disagree. Instead, I like to tell kids that reading helps with plagerism. If you want a child to read a picture book, tell them to watch a movie with subtitles instead…its much more fun, and has the same effect.

Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’

A Post Card Image from the Cruise

Cruises are fun, especially when you’re out there with your friends. Cruises are not fun, if you’re out there with your enemies. I went on a cruise a couple of days ago and I had a lot of fun. I had some friends with me, but there were also many strangers. Strangers are funny in a way because it’s very easy to judge them, especially if they seem weird. So my friend and I were just standing around during the cruise talking, when a lad came up and simply said “they call me the one shot wonder”. This is good and bad in a way. He tried to break the ice, but instead, he managed to shatter his confidence. When he said this statement, many questions arose in the back of my mind…who were “they”? are “they” you’re friends? because that’s mean of them. Why did they call you the “One shot wonder”? When you get shot, do you not get hurt? Are you the boy who lived? I thought that was Harry Potter.

Anyhow, the bottom line is, please don’t do what this child has done. He tried to be someone he’s not, and in the end, he was laughed at. I’m sure he won’t do the same mistake again. But if he does, here’s my bottle’d up advice:

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. That’s just straight out rude, and furthermore, disgusting.

The Truth Revealed

After researching thoroughly, the statistics below will not only reveal certain facts but will also help you look at the world in a unique perspective. After each statistic, I will post my view of the issue.

“The most-grown crop in the world in terms of output by weight, is bananas.”
          – This certainly proves that man has evolved from Apes, but then why do we grow other crops such as grass? I guess a very few percentage of men evolved from cows (probably the ones that are over weight). This is why they enjoy trying to lose their weight by eating salad – they just can’t get enough of the lettuce…the closest plant to taste like grass.

“Almost 100% of the dirt in the average home comes from outside, 80 percent of that comes in on people, stuck to their clothes and their feet.”
          - This is true. Stay homeless.

“Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.”
          – According to a survey never conducted, left handed people are people with two left hands.
          – This may also mean that for every one right-handed person born, a left-handed person is born 9 years later. This means that left handed people are the youngest to represent our planet’s population of six billion, and would be the primary target for extraterrestrials to conduct research upon. By extraterrestrials, I don’t mean non-Americans.

My Bottle’d Up Advice: When going to bed at night, confirm that your bed is free of any sharp objects such as pencil sharpeners. I woke up one morning mysteriously sporting a clean shaven chin. I didn’t know who I was anymore.

Mission Impossible

When you say “The Sky is the Limit”…I say you’re wrong. When you say, sticks and stones can break your bones…I completely agree. What’s the difference between these two sayings? The guy who said the first one likes idioms, and the guy who said the second one likes idiots. But why would a norm like me agree with the latter of the two sayings? Mainly because it’s achievable. It’s easier to break a bone than to reach the limit. Then why would people say it? It’s easier to preach the limit, than to break a bone. When a wise crack goes up to an infantile youngling and states that the sky is the limit, the kid becomes discouraged. Why do you think every other civilian you talk to isn’t an astronaut? Maybe you should ask what the limit was that their astute and stout influence had set. How about…lets see here…you can do anything you want, but you can’t go past the sky. That’s the limit. That’s out of bounds. Because if you go past the sky, you’ll be mauled by the dingo.

Lets examine another example as to why the sky isn’t in fact the limit. Back in the day when I was still in high school, we had to write essays. Supposing, now this is completely hypothetical…supposing a teacher had assigned my class an essay, someone would’ve definitely sprouted out of their chair and asked about the word limit. If unfortunately the teacher believed that the sky was in fact the limit, she would’ve answered the question by saying “the sky is the limit class”. Okay, how many words is that? Are you teasing my brain? Because i’m puzzled. Sky has three letters…so that must mean that i’m allowed three words…but thats impossible for an essay. This is mission impossible. This teacher should be fired faster than a bullet coming out of a pistol.

The moral of the story is…the sky isn’t the limit folks, really. The limit is whatever you are capable of at a given time. I wear glasses. I can’t become a pilot because we need perfect vision. So my limit is being a passenger. Thats just me. Some people just aren’t able, or capable, of playing sports. If you fall into this category, and you simply just suck at sports, then please do yourself a favour and go to the pawn shop next door to purchase some trophies, pretending you did in fact win the Wimbledon title, even though you’re nothing but a filthy nerd feasting on the extra cheezy cheetos you received last Halloween.

My Bottle’d up Advice: It’s not about winning or losing…as long as Barack Obama has fun.

Welcome to Life on Shoes

Ever imagine a world without cars? How about a car without wheels? In fact, I would suggest you imagine a world without wheels…because what you are about to experience, is none other than my Life on Shoes. If you have time to read this blog, I already know the type of person you are – intellectual, capable of having some potential to do great things in life, but still haven’t found the inspiration to go forth with bringing out the creativity hiding inside your body; not to worry though, because I’ve been told many times to just start at the basics, and i’m telling you all to do the same. But why am I telling you this? Because I’ve seen people in that position before, and I’m telling you, i’d rather comb a tiger’s tail than be in the same boat. This is my way of saving people who’s souls are being consumed by their boring counterparts and then are told to fetch the pot of pennies found under the morning rainbow, who then return in disappointment because the pot of pennies turned out to be the loose change found under the geezer’s couch. Sorry, I just got a little emotional. But what i’m trying to do is to entertain the bored, cheer up the misery, and hopefully distribute joy like the daily morning newspaper.

Now for some detailed structural instructions: At the end of every blog, I will offer my “Bottle’d up Advice”. It is your choice whether to take it or leave it, because when all hell breaks lose, and the ground cracks between your legs, forcing you non gymnists to split, please do not look up at me in my safe haven and ask for advice, for all I shall tell you is “Live your life on shoes.” This is my life on shoes. Welcome to it.